Tuesday, December 1, 2009

what is too much?.....

can I be honest with you, good (like you have a choice - right;)wink
I'm overwhelmed, today I yelled at my boys because they were fighting over who got the darker green plate, and I mean yelled. I'm not a yeller, in fact I almost never raise my voice to them like that. I hated it, I hated myself. Then later today I looked down and realized, I can't suck in my fat anymore. Even when I 'engage' my abs, they stick out. My muffin top, is a loaf of bread.
But the worst thing is, I'm discouraged, I don't feel like I can fight it and get EVERYTHING else done, you know? I'm not sure why, but food has had some weird power lately, like I can't get enough. I have to force myself to stop eating, and then, I'm 'hungry' again in like an hour. I'm really starting to think, I'm going to have to fast for a few days to break this trance it has over me...sorry to throw all this out there in cyber space, but I'm trying so hard, I go to bed completely exhausted and yet... I feel like I'm not being personally fed. Even the short devotionals I do with the boys in the morning, just aren't cutting it.
And the worst part is, my sweet hubby came up behind me tonight to hug me, and I pulled away, ashamed at who I've allowed myself to become. I'm replused by myself, yet unmotivated and beaten. I feel like all I can do right now is just keep afloat, the tide is so strong...sorry about the post...but I just needed somewhere I could be real, it's been a really bad day....

11 comments:

Leslie said...

Hi Natalie,

Boy, can I relate to this post, as you know from my last few! Yesterday was a bad day, but I suspect today will be better. It often happens that way. I lol about your muffin top becoming a loaf of bread! I remember days when my kids were young that I'd basically be the one having the tantrum. What I found out is that if I came back and owned it with them, "Mommy was kind of crabby and bratty, and I'm sorry about that"...the kids were fine.

About the constant desire to eat and you pondering a day or 2 of fasting to break that cycle, I would discourage it. Eventually the deprivation and empty stomach, even if for just a day, will rebound and you may find yourself back at the fridge. Just tighten up your food and eat totally clean, and up the water intake, as it says on your sidebar.

Don't ever apologize for putting it all out in blogville - even if no one reads it, it helps! Hope today is better.

Melissa said...

Believe me, I think every woman, especially every mother has been there. Sometimes life is just so overwhelming. Woman carry so much of the load and sometimes you just need time for yourself. Even if it's just 15 minutes. Go and do something you enjoy doing just to perk yourself up. I think we all have done the exact same thing, well at least I have, you know yell, I mean really yell at your child. But children are blessed with a special gift, and that is unconditional love. They will be fine.. just tell them mommy was having a rough day and they will understand. :-) Hang in there and stay strong. We (all your blogger buddies) are routing for you!! :-)

Staci Dombroski said...

I TOTALLY understand!! I agree with Melissa. Just hang in there and be strong. Try to take time to do something for yourself, whatever makes you happy, try to take the time to do it!!!

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Natalie. It sounds like you are suffering from stress induced hypoglcemia. Ie the stress is causing overproduction of insulin which lowers blood sugar and makes you very hungry.

There are a couple of supplements that can help with this: Chromium in the form of Glucose Tolerance Factor (not picolinate) is a blood sugar normaliser. And l-glutamine at a dose of 1 to 6 g a day really cuts out that type of false hunger.

That's the thing about it - it's not real hunger. It's actually feels much stronger than normal hunger - according to my experience. And it makes you feel pretty bad in other ways too - tiredness, unable to cope, feeling bad ...

Try to get on top of it rather than reacting to it and letting the insulin machine continue to roll.

Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx

Friend of the Bear said...

PS don't feel bad about yourself. You are in a stressful time and your body's reaction to it isn't your fault. But hopefully you will find something that helps.

Your husband loves you anyway!

Bearfriend xx

Robin said...

I honestly don't know how anyone does the parenting thing, I can't deal with what is already on my plate without the children. I've been pulling away and my hubby is so wonderful still, I hate that. I hate how I've allowed my own feelings about myself to take over my entire life.

Tricia said...

Sorry to hear you had a rough day. :( What have you been eating? If you always feel hungry maybe you're missing something in your diet. Fiber always helps, but sometimes when we try to lose weight we cut out things like fat that are still important to our bodies. All natural peanut butter with apples is a good high fiber/good fat snack. And are you drinking enough water? I also drink plain green hot tea, seems to curb cravings.

You can do this.

Kimberley said...

Hi Natalie,

First things...hugs to you. Don't feel too badly about losing it. All parents have done it at one time or another and I have a hard time believing anyone who says they haven't. You are human and you will make mistakes. I would apologize to them though so they get that you can make mistakes, but be sure to own them.

Food can be such a glorious thing on the one hand and a tormentor on the other. I am currently dealing with the torment so I have no words of advice for you. Just another hug!

Angelia (Texas) said...

It seems like I've had those days a LOT lately. Except I yell at my sweet boyfriend. :-(

All you can do is keep moving forward. Don't give up. Try to think positive of yourself.

I thought I was fat when I weighed 135, now at 190, I want to beat myself up but ya know? Some women would kill to be 190, so I am going to be happy with my honey buns at 190, and whatever higher or lower weight I hit.

I missed my chance before, and I won't miss it again.

Hugs girl, xoxo

South Beach Steve said...

Kashi, I am sorry to hear about your day. My peek ahead at your next post seemed to indicate a better day - I'll read it in a minute to know. You have been under a lot of stress lately - good stress, but a lot of stress nonetheless.

Regarding the food, I think some of the ideas mentioned in the other comments is touching on what is going on. I think you should evaluate your diet. The ravenous attention to food is often a symptom of a high sugar/flour diet. Are you eating a lot of breads, cereals, or other highly processed foods? If so, try cutting them out for a few days and sticking solely to meats/fish/chicken and A LOT of whole vegetables, just not the starchy ones like potatoes and corn. You might be surprised how much of an affect it has.

I sincerely hope things have gotten better.

beej said...

Sorry Nat, I just want to give you a big hug right now. You'll get through this.